Today I've done so very little.

Good news: I went to the doctor for my annual gyno visit, and because she's a practicing all-around, good-old doctor, I talked to her about my anxiety and asked what she thought about anxiety medications.
Dr. Dey: Well, I always recommend counseling in combination with medication, and I only think medication is necessary if the anxiety is affecting your quality of life. Do you feel like it is?
Me: Well...yes. I've had so many panic attacks on the highway that I can't even get on it anymore and I have trouble sitting through hour-long classes because I get panicky in classrooms, too.
Dr. Dey: Oh my! Well, in that case, probably medication is best. That must be awful.
Me: Oh, it is.
Dr. Dey: I'll give you the number to a psychologist. He's very good and I work with him a lot. I actually had a patient who was going through the same thing with the interstates.
Me: That'd be great.

What? She took me seriously. This is such a big deal. After my last bout with therapy - not that Parvis wasn't great for grief counseling - I wasn't feeling great about getting any kind of help. So I called the psychologist this afternoon and talked to him briefly about what was going on. We made an appointment for Monday. He's EXPENSIVE...but I'm hoping he can get me through this. At this point I can't even imagine my life without major anxiety. A good day to me means getting through without once thinking I'm about to have a heart attack. A good day at school means only getting minor flashes of anxiety in my first class and not feeling like I am going to drown in my second class. And forget the highway. All attempts to get back to using it have been more or less thrown out the window recently. Driving isn't usually very scary, but the interstate is out of the question. How wonderful it would be to be able to rid myself of all this.

Another good thing about the doctor's appointment was that I talked to her about my chest pain and she confirmed my suspicions that it was probably muscle related - she checked my heart and lungs and was satisfied that I'm still a healthy young lass.

Since this is all I have to report about actual daily activity, here are some thoughts that have been festering lately on relationships (all kinds):

Anne: I think one of my favorite parts about Anne is that she is one of few friends I have left that is willing and unafraid to criticize me and my actions. Older friends I have rarely give me advice or tell me flat-out when I'm being inappropriate. Later, after I've done something ridiculous, and I bring it up myself, they'll agree. I'll say, "Why didn't you say something?" They'll tell me I'm too gung-ho for my own good and that trying to convince me that perhaps I am wrong is ultimately terrifying and daunting. Anne is also good in the sense that, although she's relatively new in terms of close-friendedness, I feel a comfortable silence with her that is normally reserved for people I've been close to for several years. I noticed when we were walking today.

Cassi: My relationship with her has been evolving over the past couple of years, and I think a lot about how interesting it is the way we communicate now as opposed to the way we did in high school. I know this is mostly due to the fact that both of us have changed considerably since then. And at the same time, it's interesting to me to have someone I'm close to now that I spent so much time with and yet wasn't as close to then. In the space of a week, she's told me that she associates Tori Amos with me, as well as big messes. This is great, and also funny, because I hardly ever listen to Tori Amos anymore and I make big messes even less frequently. And I don't feel like it's stifled her getting to know me, or making sense out of our friendship. After all, I still associate her with the band Travis and her awful gold homecoming dress from high school. (The word 'awful' has many more meanings than the usual one in that sentence.)

Ryan: We are not the same person. That's been the lesson this week. We don't think the same, we don't value exactly the same things. We are good together. We wake up about every other day in a silly, snuggly way, acting like kids or pets. I love him so much it terrifies me, and I think he loves me just as much. He is math and science and I am English and social studies, and that just has to be ok. He is a Leo...and I get that. And he's even better about it - he doesn't get everything about me but he accepts it. He'll be upset that this paragraph is shorter than the others, but these are the recent thoughts.

Mom: She's nuts. But she's also a sign of the future. Lately, she's harder to get on the phone. More generous than ever with her money, but more distant with her time. Harder to talk to - she can't keep on one topic. More self-realized, in a very annoying way, as if she's pushing to find her personality. Which is understandable. Today she finally admitted that she was having a hard time to me. She's been having anxiety problems too, lately. "It's coming up on that time of year," she said, "this might be a hard time for us all." It's winter, is what she meant. This is when things started looking bad for your dad. We're having Thanksgiving at my sister's house this year, 'to make things easier on all of us.' As if that'll do the trick. As if being at the wrong house will make up for it. But it's a nice gesture. I was so, so happy and grateful to hear a sign of grief from her. I don't mean that in the awful way - I just haven't heard it out of her in a very long time. I think she honestly expected to be 'over it' by March. Sometimes my mom takes new age thought too seriously. Sometimes I think she expects herself to be more than human.

James: This is sort of out of left field, since this isn't a friendship that plays a huge part in my life. I just got a text message from him that read "Hey, I found a great deal on a massive entertainment couch console spaceship center. Can I keep it at your house?" Totally out of the blue, but a funny and accurate comment on how irritated I've been with the recent influx of unnecessary furniture brought to the house simply because it's been cheap or free. I just appreciate that friendship so much because it went from a sort of strangely flirtatious / love/hate weird tangly thing to where it is now, which is a casual but very understanding relationship. I guess it's just one of those things that comes from working with someone for so long - he's one of few people outside my closest friends who can read an entire paragraph off of a single exasperated expression on my face. Also, he text messages my schedule to me every week, whether I ask him to or not, and how can you not love that?

So, those are some thoughts for the day. I'm going to go do some things - clean up the lazy pizza dinner I shared with Anne, try out my new translucent powder I bought today. Get ready to make the shift over to Decatur for the night.