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[Nov. 16th, 2009|05:41 pm] |
This morning, I woke up at 5 a.m., got dressed, and went to work. This is something I've been doing lately. This is confusing for a number of reasons, the most obvious being that I've never in my life gotten up this early on a regular basis and that I was jobless for three months - no part of me is used to any part of what I'm doing now.
Last night, Zach and I were lolling around the house with nothing to do and I suggested we go get ice cream. On our walk to Kroger, I burst out, "You know what I really want? I want to buy a twelve-pack of beer and split it with you, finish the whole thing and be drunk and do drunk things all night. I want to smoke two packs of cigarettes and stay up talking and dancing and go to work on no sleep smelling like beer. That's what I want to do!"
Of course, we did not do that, but purchased the moose tracks ice cream like responsible parents-to-be and spent a lovely, cozy evening together reading, doing crossword puzzles, et cetera, until we fell asleep. It was a fine night, but it was my first truly intense experience of limitation from the baby situation.
An occasional glass of red wine just doesn't take the place of carefree irresponsible nights on the front porch. Being startled by the sunrise and scampering off to bed, embarrassed that you indulged in yet another night of reckless fun is a very different experience than glancing at the pinkening sky after you've been at work for an hour and a half, already tired on your feet, wondering how many people are noticing the growing bulge behind your apron.
I don't mean to sound overly negative. Mostly, I've just been feeling wistfully nostalgic these last couple of days and it's both exciting and difficult to be so aware of my rapidly changing lifestyle - watching my past summer's m.o. grow smaller and smaller.
The new job is mostly good. I enjoy the people I work with (so far) and the job is mind-numbingly easy. Idiot-proof, even. I understand there's a skill involved with being an actual barista at coffee shops that don't have 'super-automatic' espresso machines - or whatever. However, I feel nothing but irritation for those who have come before me and worn their barista badges with pride, discussing the subtle 'art' of making a perfect cappuccino at their beloved Starbucks or Caribou Coffees. In Montessori school, the children are taught via a 'hands-on' method, and I distinctly remember learning to pour liquids carefully from one cup to another at the age of four. I was ok at it then, and I feel over the years I've really perfected the art. The barista job takes a literal approach to "Everything I need to Know, I Learned in Kindergarten." It's practically offensive. But an easy job is what I need right now, and the pay is reasonably ok, and I don't have a bad time when I'm there, so I'm quite pleased with the whole situation.
The baby is doing well. In less than three weeks, we'll find out the sex, and talking about him/her will become far less cumbersome. ('He or she' is long to say, 'it' seems rude.)
Sometimes it seems like I'm growing an inch around my belly every single day. It isn't true, but the pregnancy is pretty apparent at this point. I feel enormous, until I see a woman in her last month and realize how much more lies ahead of me. As it is, my body feels and looks misshapen to me, awkward and fat. I always thought I'd relish in the changing shape of pregnancy but it turns out, like everything else, my opinions and emotions toward my appearance fluctuate greatly. Sometimes I do feel proud and appropriately-sized, other times I feel lumbering and awkward. (Emily gave me a pair of pants that have been too big on her for a while now. They button under my stomach and are extremely comfy. Things like that help. Being comfortable can change the world.)
The rest of 2009 is looking like it'll be a good little span of time. We get Morgan in mere days, the holiday season is basically upon us now, and the Yule Ball approaches with greater speed than I'd like to admit, not being at all prepared for the event.
I hope to write more regularly in the near future. |
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[Oct. 17th, 2009|12:15 pm] |
Today is the little 5 Halloween parade!!! Always a good time AND I'm planning to meet up with Crystal, so it's a double whammy treat.
I got approved for Medicaid yesterday! Though it was a frustrating process to get through, it's over, and that means all my doctor's appointments and hospital time is covered completely from now on. Better yet, the first year and a half of the baby's life is covered. Conclusion: Medicaid is incredible; the people who work in the government offices are still not.
Also, I had my second doctor's appointment yesterday which meant another ultrasound. Flux is sucking his or her thumb in the new pictures we have! It's unbelievable. The baby looks far more like a baby than last we saw and I assume it will only continue on the path to human resemblance.
Dinner with Zach's family last night. I met his little brother for the first time (little = 21 and the tallest of the three) and we all went out and played trivia. Got third place. That was perfectly enjoyable. His family is incredible. Spending time with them is easy and fun. I feel sad about the strain I feel I've put on his parents, though. This will be their first grandchild and it's clear they're way more nervous about the situation than my family is. I can't blame them.
Someone's watching Harry Potter. I think I will, too. |
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[Oct. 10th, 2009|12:17 pm] |
I couldn't possibly feel more different today from how I felt yesterday. Yesterday, I spent the majority of my time lounging on the front porch couch, wondering when and where I was going to vomit. I didn't (I still haven't, not once through this supposedly vomit-ridden first trimester) but I also didn't feel at all steady most of the day. Every time I stood up I got severely dizzy, so I quit standing up after a while.
I have to wonder how much the frustration of the morning affected my physical wellbeing throughout the day. I was supposed to have a doctor's appointment and had to cancel it because Medicaid is still being uncooperative. This is the third time I've had to cancel this particular appointment and it's getting awfully frustrating. I was supposed to go in for a special ultrasound, one where they test for Down syndrome. How this works? They measure the clear space on the back of the fetal neck - the higher the measurement, the greater the chance for Down syndrome. (I find this fascinating.) The super irritating thing about it is that this test is useless beyond thirteen weeks, which means beyond next week. I want to get to the doctor, not because I'm terribly worried the baby may have Down syndrome (my being under 30, there's a less than 1 in 1000 chance) but because I want to see an ultrasound again. There's something incredibly comforting about it.
Anyway, I feel fantastic today. Even the minor discomfort I've been experiencing nearly every morning was absent when I woke up a few hours ago. The weather is fantastic, so I took a nice little walk to celebrate feeling functional. The only sad part about today is discovering that I'm quite out of money again. I think I'll hit the job hunt hard next week and see what I can find.
Last night we had an extremely small birthday party for Anne. There were only about ten of us here, very low-key. Anne got drunk out with Matt before getting to the house (it took a shot of tequila and a margarita - sometimes I envy her incredibly low tolerance) and insisted on playing Miley Cyrus, Taylor Swift, and Dolly Parton videos for the majority of the evening. I had to seriously contemplate whether this would be any less irritating if I were able to drink. No conclusion.
Oh, and Emily and I made an armadillo cake. This southern tradition, made famous by Steel Magnolias, is still rather puzzling to me, even after sculpting the adorable shell, tail, and head, but I had a good time with it.
I'm thinking maybe I'm getting better with managing my bank account. This idea may seem to contradict the comment I made about being out of money, BUT - I noticed it. Not because I got ten overdraft letters or because my card was declined somewhere. I checked. Baby steps! This is something I absolutely must get better at by the time this kid is on the outside of me. On that note, though, I have basically no idea how I'm going to afford to have a child. There's no way I'm going to be able to just not work - but childcare is so expensive, I simply don't know how to swing it. I know my mom will help me out but she can't very well just pay my way and there's no way I'd let that happen in any case. Too bad we're in a recession and I have virtually no job skills outside of waiting tables. Oops.
I have absolutely nothing to do today. I'm going to try to change that. |
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[Oct. 9th, 2009|08:36 pm] |
I've never gone through a spell in my life that was simultaneously so interesting and so uninteresting. Right now, I do very little. I still don't have a job, so I'm living off stipends from my mom. I feel less bad about this than I normally would, given that the kind of job I would normally get (waiting tables) would wear me out right now and subject me to more anxiety, not to mention, accidents, than I really want to risk. I'm holding out for a position at the Candler Park flower shop. They have my information and seem enthusiastic about hiring me, so I'm hoping that will work out, though I'm sure the pay is nowhere near what I need. Still, any money is more than what I'm making now. And I'm finally getting antsy for something to do. Not nearly as antsy as I'm used to getting when jobless, but feeling ready to have a regular thing to do. Most days, I spend around an hour at the coffee shop, hang out around my house, read, nap, cook (I've been cooking so much), go visit my mom, have little coffee dates with people, anything to fill the time. I take a lot of walks, I keep up with the news, and I get a lot of time to think. I can't pretend it isn't nice.
The interesting part of everything, of course, is learning about and preparing for the baby. I have a few books I reference at least once a week to keep up with the happenings in my uterus (this week, the baby is the size of a large plum, and is working hard on his or her fingernails). Then there are the parenting philosophy books. These are even scarier than the pregnancy books. These books tell you, in no uncertain terms, that it is entirely possible (and likely, if you should choose not to follow their particular systems of nursing, scheduling, and whatnot) to ruin your child's life. So, meep.
Mostly, I spend a lot of time being excited about this situation. Since we decided a couple of weeks ago to keep the baby and not follow the adoption track, everything seems much heavier. There is so much to learn, so much to decide. I'm planning on going to live with my mom for April and May (I'm due April 16th) and then I'd like to move back to this area, hopefully with Zach in tow. Time will tell how that goes. I can think of few situations more confusing than expecting a child with someone you've only known for a couple of months.
Anyway, it's time to move along with the evening. People are coming over, etc. |
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[Sep. 16th, 2009|02:56 pm] |
For a while, I was getting irritated that my favorite updaters here had stopped writing as frequently as I'm used to. Today I realized I haven't written a post here since the day after I got my car. Granted, that was only a few weeks ago but in my brain, several geological ages have passed. The reason I've been absent from the community, however, is this problematic non-problem I have been presented with, this confusing and overwhelming experience, the thing I had been dreading for the past eight years, the positive pregnancy test.
It turns out that having this actually happen is at once far less scary and 7000 times scarier than I could have ever thought. On one hand, as soon as I dismissed my fleeting ideas of abortion, I had to accept that this is here, this is happening, and there's little I can do about it at this point (little, at least, that wouldn't haunt me for the rest of my life). On the other hand, the situation is obviously very stressful, and the stress seems insurmountable when physical discomfort and emotional roller coasters are at their heights.
Today, I spilled coffee on my thumb and cried. True story.
The basics, in case anyone is reading this that hasn't heard it from me or some gossipy friend (and I've never been more grateful for the gossipy friends, seriously):
Zach is the father. We managed this biological wonder within a mere five days of knowing one another. So, that's complicated.
The Plan right now is to find a nice couple looking to adopt and set up an open adoption for little Flux Capacitor (baby's working title). It turns out, sometimes this sounds harder than it did in theory when I would have those What I Would Do If I Got Pregnant conversations.
Erm, nothing failed. I feel a bit squirmy about writing this so publicly, but I feel it necessary to not strike fear into the hearts of responsible, pill-popping young women everywhere by omitting this fact. The setup to this situation was as irresponsible as could be. There, no more details, see.
And I'm pretty pleased, you know, usually. I'm in my 9th week (they count pregnancy weeks as +2 from conception, just in case the whole situation weren't confusing enough) and therefore nearly out of my first trimester. Of course, I didn't make this discovery till week 7. What's neat: I haven't vomited once, and this is supposed to be the sick part. Love that. Mood swings, yes. Cravings and food aversions, for sure. Nausea, even, but no vomiting.
It's exciting, no matter what. That's the great part. Nearly everyone is being more supportive and kind about this than I even expected, many of my friends are even unabashedly excited about it. It's precious. Erica, who showed up at the house yesterday to find out if the rumors were true, looked more concerned than anything, and after rambling the facts at her for a few minutes, I had to just tell her what my mom told me the day we went to the doctor together: Babies are always good news. She wasn't rude, to be clear. Just seemed like she was having a bit of trouble processing the information. We have known each other for several, several years, after all.
Since the reactions have been some of the greatest part, these are my most and least favorite:
Best
Matt: unrestrained laughter for approximately 1.5 minutes, then, "Really?" followed by several minutes of more unrestrained laughter
Worst
Nameless, for her sake: "Too bad someone didn't push you down the stairs"
I'm learning a lot about etiquette right now, I tell you.
It turns out, when you're in this situation, it bleeds into everything you do, think about, and feel. So, I'm going to end this entry now, leave it at a simple "I'm pregnant" entry, and come back later and more frequently with updates that weave this news in with other news in my life.
Also, I'm already getting fat. |
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[Aug. 23rd, 2009|12:17 pm] |
I think I've been obnoxiously good at making it perfectly clear how excited I am about this new phase in my life. But, just in case, I'll spout off about it some more:
First, today is Anne's moving day. This is not a part of the good news. It's going to be really strange to not have her around, and though she keeps reminding us all that she's only moving three miles away, we all know how different it will be. It's hard to get excited about the fact that Emily Tornroos is taking her place because Emily basically already lives here anyway. I tried getting excited about Emily having her own room instead of just living on the couch, but beyond being happy for her I can't really muster up a lot of emotion toward that. So mostly, I'm sad that Anne's leaving. Last night I got a little Anne-Betsy time while we waited for more people to come over. We packed a little, talked a little. It was nice, but weird to see all the Anne paraphenalia going in boxes.
I'm glad, so glad, I'm staying in this house. I was excited at the prospect of starting somewhere fresh, having a less chaotic living situation, etc. but at the end of the day, I'm just not quite done with this place. So many things in my life have changed recently anyway, a bit of stability won't go unappreciated.
I got a car yesterday! This means I'm officially the happiest girl in the whole world. Basically, I got a car as close to my old car as I could get without actually repeating myself. This translates to: Red VW beetle convertible, 2003. My god, it's precious. And you know, I've always loved a convertible and yet, never really considered getting one. Turns out it's a very good idea.
Also, for all intents and purposes, I got fired from R Thomas yesterday. I'm over the moon about it. I've been a real brat to that job this summer and I finally pissed Cesar off enough to where he took the rest of the week's shifts away from me. I've been reassured by a couple of coworkers that this doesn't necessarily mean I'm fired, that they're sure I'll be on next week's schedule, but you know, I don't care. I'm over it, and I'm way way over being treated with such little sensitivity. I'm tired of having a manager who more or less abuses his 'power' by antagonizing his employees whenever he's frustrated with his life. I want to work for someone less catty, and I'm planning on venturing back into the corporate world, where at least rules are rules, and if a boss treats an employee unfairly, someone can find a procedure that's been written down about how to handle the situation. Don't get me wrong, the corporate world surely isn't the world for me, but I could handle a few months of sturdy, organized business. I've got a half-baked notion to not need a job like this within a year. I am not sure what that entails, so I'll leave it at that.
Relationship stuff - things with Boy are only getting better. I am continually baffled with how easy this has been to slide right into and how much fun it is to get to know him. I'm on the alert, after Last Relationship, keeping an eye on how people respond to us. They respond marvelously. So far, I haven't not had fun with him, no matter what we're doing. He came with me and my mom to get the car yesterday and at one point, when Mom was in signing what must have been millions of papers, we just sat in the new car with the top down, listening to the radio, doing a crossword puzzle on his ipod. I think we did that for about an hour, and I think it was the highlight of my day, but I'm not sure because my god, what a good day.
And that's been the thing about this summer. I'm reasonably sure I've never had such a long, consistent streak of incredibly good days. It's hard to put my finger on what it is that I'm doing right, but it must be something. It's crazy how happy I am. Of course, I always have thrived on transition. Change makes my soul salivate.
When I got up this morning - and I've been doing that, getting up in the actual morning - I went over to Caribou, as per usual, and I wrote out some notes about getting my life into a more structured kind of shape. I decided that if this past Spring was the Spring of Discovery, Summer, the Summer of Love (really), I'd like for this Autumn to be the Autumn of Responsibility. (I told Zach about this, and he said, "But not the winter of our discontent, right?" mmm.) I do mean Fun Responsibility, of course, I just want to put some things in some boxes, so to speak, have a little more sense of direction and maybe even purpose.
A lot of what I was writing about was Atlanta Guardian. I'm very much ready to be back in the game with that. I hope I can be forgiven for getting a wee bit distracted for a while there. I'm forgiving myself, fuck it. I know what's good for me.
Time to do more stuff!!! |
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[Aug. 13th, 2009|03:45 pm] |
Hey, Thursday.
I have the day to get stuff done and I've gotten the first part of it. Dishes and laundry, check. Walk to Caribou for coffee, check; breakfast, check. In the middle of all this, Bradley called and said he didn't feel like being at the condo, so he's been my shadow for most of this. He was fascinated at the prospect of one doing laundry by hand. So many people have responded this way. The rest of my afternoon goal is to get some writing done for Atlanta Guardian. I had a bit of a truth talk with Bradley yesterday, when we hung out alone for the first time in ages. I apologized for being such a slacker about work, explained that I'm afraid of the articles that I'm writing right now, that I felt as if these interviews had to be near-perfect or the judgment would eat me up. Also, that I've spent the last three weeks falling in crazy love and it's rejuvenated me in a way I never would have expected, so I've taken my time with that and let it interfere with everything. Oops.
So I plan to spend a great deal of time over the next few days hammering out these articles for the website so we have a bunch of new material. There's a lot we need to get organized about, and I think the season change is going to help. I can see this project moving through seasons in really obvious ways, with clear changes each turn.
Ok, of all things to discuss, I'm going to say this: the movie Orphan is one of the most stressful, creepiest things to which I have ever bore witness. I'm not saying it's good, exactly, but I'm not saying it's not good either. It's incredibly startling and the twist at the end nearly made me vomit.
This is really nice, sitting here on the front porch, doing my own thing, with Bradley quietly reading next to me. We haven't had this in a while and I had missed it.
I'm going to dick around on the internet for a few more minutes before getting some of that real shit done. |
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[Aug. 8th, 2009|12:57 pm] |
Dear Everything,
I'm ridiculous.
Love,
Betsy |
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[Aug. 7th, 2009|12:10 pm] |
Not that I deserved it, but I spent yesterday pretending I didn't exist. It was fabulous. I spent nearly the whole day in bed, moving in and out of sleep, books, and eventually, some Sex and the City.
Today I'm trying to figure out some chaos before going to work. I guess I'm taking the train. A car would be so nice.
I think I'll make tomorrow Atlanta Guardian day. I need to do some serious work for that project. I've really been slacking off.
I guess that's that, though. Nothing terribly fascinating. Not today. |
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[Aug. 6th, 2009|12:33 pm] |
I just drank a cup of milk, which is something I hardly ever do. It was so satisfying.
I'm being especially lazy right now, lying in bed, avoiding the things I'm supposed to do.
Yesterday was another fantastic day. Anne and I went to the Strand for the organ concert and got to see Curious George, too. It was precious. The theater was filled with little kids, all bouncing and making kid noises.
Katie Taylor turned up and we had lunch. We witnessed the aftermath of a minor accident, watched the older man involved try to make the teenagers look like bad guys, and eventually invited the teenagers over to our table to tell them everything was going to be ok. Katie and I talked about her wedding and about the possibility of her moving back to Vale. That conversation didn't go very well, as I'm opposed to the idea.
Then Zach showed up and we wandered around an antique shop, then met up with my mom so she could give me my insurance money. So Zach met my mom, that went ok. Since I was given this stack of bills, we decided to go immediately to a bar and have some whiskey. Went to trivia and were joined by Nadia, Josh, Cassi, Justin, and Nadia's friend April. We did not win, but we did drink a lot of beer.
We went to Star Bar for Soulphonics, me and Zach, we were joined by both Emilys. We drank a lot there, too, and Zach and I stayed up entirely too late again. This new thing is going extremely well but crazy fast. Way faster than I'm used to. And I'm so ok with it. |
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[Jul. 26th, 2009|04:24 am] |
OHhhhh man.
So I'm indulging in the fact that I have the full capabilities of the World Wide Web at my hands for the first time in several days. Internet has not been cooperating but Bradley came over and worked some magic and it's back.
It's late at night, about time for bed, and I'm hanging out on the porch couch listening to Stairway to Heaven.
Wednesday night, we had our Strand event. It was fantastic and sales were through the roof. And I met a boy named Zach who was cooking meatballs - organic ones - hired on from Harry's, where he works. He was spectacular so I invited him to our show at Star Bar the following night.
Thursday night was our Star Bar show, yeah? I thought we had nothing to worry about where attendance was concerned as we had so many excellent bands lined up. I was wrong - even though this was probably our most talented bill so far, it was easily our most underattended show. So I was sad about that...but everyone who came had a complete blast and we managed an honest encore from Today the Moon, Tomorrow the Sun. That's a nice feeling. Zach came to that too and hung out with me to the bitter (and I do mean bitter) end.
Friday, I had promised my nephew, Cody, we'd go to Mayhem Fest and try our best to score an interview with his heroes, Behemith. We did. He nearly fainted. It was a delight to behold. We interviewed the dude from Slayer too, and I can't wait to write this article. It's going to be fantastic. And I invited Zach to that, too, because we had an extra ticket and I figured he could help me laugh the day off, which he did.
After the show, we brought my two nephews and their three teenaged friends back to La France and had a great time with all of them. We finished off some beers and danced to Abbey Road.
Today I went to work and decided the only thing in the world I wanted was to stay home and take it easy tonight - even though there were a lot of great events happening tonight in the city.
I had a great night.
I've had a great past three or four days, and I don't want fun to end.
As I impressed on the kids last night, being in one's twenties is a great place to be. |
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[Jul. 23rd, 2009|05:48 am] |
You know what I wish?
And it seems so petty of a wish.
I wish I could take six month periods out of my life to study one exact thing that interested me.
So, starting in September, say, I would think of nothing but luna moths. Because they're fascinating. And I have a new question about them at least once a week.
And I can't
And that's the way college should really be.
And I'm pretty sure if that college existed I would have had a seriously polished degree in elephants-sex-luna moths-children's literature-wine-muscular development-facial hair
And it would've been brilliant and brought me somewhere in the world that I am not now. And for now, I'll rely on wikipedia and the opinions of my friends but I tell you one thing, among the many I insist on telling, I would know a fuck ton more about those moths. |
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[Jul. 22nd, 2009|01:00 pm] |
For the past two nights I have had incredibly frustrating dreams. No nightmares and nothing spectacular, just frustrating, frustrating. In one, I was in a room with an angry wasp and I had to stay under a blanket, with it tucked tightly around me in order to not get stung. In another, I found Ryan at a train station and he was crying and I had to console him through something he wouldn't explain to me. And in yet another, my sister got my niece a temporary job teaching middle school girls' choir and when I asked her why she didn't ask me if I wanted it, she looked at me like I was crazy and explained that the job involved getting up at 9 a.m.
I woke up today in a terrible mood. I don't really know why. I know tonight is going to be spectacular and tomorrow even more so. Nothing outrageous happened last night, and I have no reason to feel this way.
I feel like a deflating balloon. |
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[Jul. 20th, 2009|11:02 am] |
A scene.
Waiting on Bradley to show up last night at the house, I wandered back inside, struck with a sudden idea. I asked Ali what her plans were for the rest of the night and she gestured toward her flat iron, laptop, and tv. I asked if I could perhaps borrow her car for a little while and she looked at me with pity in her eyes and shook her head no. I said ok, and explained that I was just going to have to get back to R Thomas to get my car at some point and it seemed like a good way to do that without inconveniencing anyone - ride there in Ali's car with Bradley, have him drive the rental home. She reluctantly offered to take me there sometime and I politely declined.
The interaction sort of ruffled me in a confused way and I went back out to the front porch and found a beer. Kevern was on the phone, so I sat on the front steps and tried to seem less there than I was. Then I decided to try again with Ali.
I went back in to where she was sitting and told her about something I like in my life. She responded flatly, but she tried, and she smiled in the right places, and after all, she had been watching something on her laptop when I interrupted. I realized that there was something between us and went back outside.
You see, what happened was, I had a panic attack at work yesterday, a grippingly awful one. I took an ativan. I hadn't had any tranquilizers in months and it worked, got me to stop panicking, but it also got me incredibly stoned. Since I was so useless, Cesar lovingly sent me home but I couldn't drive. Ryan came and picked me up and brought me home. I picked up A Wrinkle in Time and started in on it for the billionth time.
I fell asleep on the couch. I woke up and saw that Bradley had called and I called him back. He was back in town and wanted to hang out. I thought this sounded lovely, and I moved to the front porch to keep reading. He had said to give him a couple of hours.
When I'm freshly out of a tranquilizer coma, I feel the most at peace with the world as I could possibly feel. In this version of me, I don't mind what time it is or what time things are going to happen or where we're going or what we're doing. After not long at all, I was asleep again, and missed another call from Bradley. Got back to him, and he said he'd be on his way. Our plan was to go to Tin Roof and get cheap bloody mary's but he didn't have enough gas in his van and my car was far away and we didn't have an alternative. So instead, we sat on the front porch and drank beer from the fridge. Eventually we walked to Kroger and got another pack of cigarettes.
We talked about the last few days that we haven't been around each other because of his family trip to Florida, and I think between the calmness of the event, the mild leftover effects of the tranquilizers, and the way I felt so settled, I realized - for sure this time - that nothing would please me more than to live alone. That I no longer live in an environment in which people will only judge me so far as to roll their eyes at me and then hear me out. It's changed here and people are much more harsh. I've expressed this before I know, but the stark contrast of the way I communicate with Bradley and the way I communicate with this house in general was illuminating.
That's just what was on my mind, and writing was a good way to get my phone more charged. Good day. |
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[Jul. 13th, 2009|03:13 pm] |
Week of awesome shit, here I come:
Today:
Going to see Bruno (yes, again) with Josh and Erica
Going to see Sonic Youth tonight at Variety with Bradley
Greeting Allen and Chris when Ali and Emily bring them into town
Tomorrow:
Crystal's birthday
Harry Potter at midnight with TONS of people I love
Wednesday:
Atlanta Guardian DANCE PARTY
Thursday:
Judi Chicago with Coathangers and Can Can (F Can Can, but it'll be fun to laugh at them)
Friday:
Fuck, I forget.
I don't really understand what I did to deserve such an awesome summer but I'll take it.
Dear Global Imports:
Please prove me wrong and finish the work on my car quickly. It's the one thing that's cramping my style. Julie's Death Trap officially does nothing but go forward and it doesn't even really do that so well.
Anyways,
Keep Slammin' |
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[Jul. 10th, 2009|07:35 pm] |
So, I haven't had my car for nearly two weeks and the glorious day came to pick it up. Bradley picked me up (for what I thought was the last time) from my house and we rode over to the creepy tow lot. I got in my car and drove off into the sunset joyously. But I was only joyous for about two minutes. It soon became apparent that something was dreadfully wrong.
You know how when you go to the grocery store and sometimes you get the bunk cart that always wants to wheedle its way toward the left? So imagine that, only in a car.
Can you imagine what a car would sound like if you tried to drive it without the tires on the wheels? I can. It sounded a lot like that. Yet I know for a fact that all four tires were there.
Lastly, you know those suspicious stains left on your driveway after a shitty car has been parked there for a while? Yeah, it's also leaking. God only knows what.
So, once again, thank god Bradley has triple A. I've now used half his tows for the year. The mini is off to global imports, where they probably won't get around to looking at it till Monday. At least I have Julie's car for now, Ms. No-Brakes-A-Lot.
I'm going to cheer myself up with a whole lot of live music tonight but I need a partner in crime. Anne may fit the bill if she's feeling up to it. Bradley has to work, which is taking some getting used to.
So the schedule is: Wonderroot, The EARL, Drunken Unicorn, Star Bar.
I was going to go up to Marietta tomorrow for the pirate garage sale because that sounded wonderful but I don't trust that car to make it up there. Which means I'll spend a couple hours putting out fliers, then go do all those other things I said I'd do, hopefully ending the night with a dance party.
Stuff is weird. |
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| g-easy |
[Jul. 9th, 2009|04:32 pm] |
Hey guys...
I think this is the longest lapse between friends' entries I've ever seen. Is something wrong on my end or is Emily's June 25th post about how packing is a bitch really the last thing any of you wrote? Seriously, if I relied on livejournal to reassure me that my friends were all alive and well I'd be fearing a zombie attack right now.
Anyway, I've had a fruitful day. I got some work done at San Francisco (coffee) and went to Target...with the intention to buy only a couple of pairs of underwear...well, we all know how that goes. Five pairs of panties, one sundress, and $35 later, I'm once again resigned to acknowledge that I am not immune to Target's siren song.
Yesterday I awoke to find a package inside the front door addressed to me! Usually, any mail that's good news is addressed to Anne, so I was delighted. Upon opening it, I found that it was from Allen and contained a $50 money order, a CD with 5 songs, and a book called The Ethical Slut. Best package ever. So I've been absorbed in this book from the moment I got it and am almost finished with it. It's basically a guidebook on how to lead a polyamorous lifestyle without fucking it up. As with any guidebook, it's written from a somewhat radical, extremist point of view, but it contains some noteworthy messages and will inevitably make you question social norms. I like books like that. It's co-authored by two women who are involved in "central relationships" with other people but have nonmonogomous relationships and are sexually and emotionally involved with several other people. They make it work, and I think that's fascinating. I don't know if this is how I would want to live my life but it's interesting to think about.
On that note, I suppose it's time to write some about my recent breakup. I've been putting it off and doing most of the conversing about it in my own brain in order to not publicly (or privately) state something about it I don't really mean. Why did I break up with Ryan? I can't really figure it out, still. It was probably the hardest thing I've done, simply because I had no solid reason. I have plenty of little reasons, reasons I can scatter around, but they're all weak and none is a "deal-breaker". I do know I feel better now, happier, and I can't quite understand that. A couple of days ago I proposed to him that we go on a date, so as soon as we can find the time, we're going to do just that. Again, I don't quite understand why I did that, but it felt like the right thing to do, and I think it will be fun.
I've never understood the dramatic attitude of those who break up with a person for the sole reason that they have a strong desire to be single. I think I'm catching on a bit - being in a relationship can (and if you're not careful, will) hold you back from being a whole individual. The book is helping me to understand that concept. Because we're so trained to expect the person we're in a relationship with to 'complete' us, it's easy, even for the most stubborn and strong-minded individual, to lapse into 'us' mode. Being with Ryan, I used our relationship as an excuse to not do things I was nervous about, not fully enjoy myself on several occasions. This was in no way his fault, but it happened.
Now when I see him, which is not nearly as often as it was, of course, I feel the same love for him that I always have. I adore him, and I have to work hard not to treat him exactly the way I did when we were together. And yet, and yet. Just can't do it.
On another note, business is good. We had our first show at the Strand last night, and although it was pretty underattended, the bands played well and the movie was wonderful. Misfortune 500 opened the show, and they managed to get a gig out of it. The next one is in two weeks, and I think they're only going to get more popular. Good idea, Cassi. I have to work on getting our dance party organized for next Wednesday, get the DJs in line, and promote it, because Bradley's taking a backseat on that particular night. We're getting a lot more organized. A couple of weeks ago, it felt like we both just threw up our hands and left our fates to the wind, with all the personal issues we've both had going on. Now things feel more settled, and I know my brain feels a lot more organized, and we're figuring out the best way to divide up our responsibilities and whatnot. I managed to get guest passes for four new shows for our staff and a new interview set up for me, and all of that is terribly exciting. We have a little additional support on the programming side of things from a girl in town who runs a very successful music blog, so I'm hoping between her and Ryan's knowledge, the website will be running more smoothly from now on.
In about an hour I'm going to a BBQ - we're cooking out and watching Mars Attacks. This sounds wonderful, such a different night from what I've grown accustomed to. I think I may hop over and see Abby Go-Go later though.
Hurray, stuff. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 6th, 2009|12:42 pm] |
It's time to reflect on these last few days.
No, I still don't have my car or my phone. Since Kenny is out of town I have the precarious privilege of driving the Julie-mobile, whose brakes are close to nonexistent at this point. So until Julie or Kenny gets back, whichever happens first, I have sort of a car. That's neat.
Yesterday was the most out-of-place day ever. I mean that in the most positive way possible. I had known for a few days that I was invited to tag along to Bradley's niece's birthday party, which included hanging out on the roof of the W hotel downtown for a pool party and a nice dinner, but I wasn't aware of how luxurious a situation it was to be. Bradley woke me up around 11 yesterday morning and since Emily was sleeping on our couch and woke up at exactly the right time, we invited her too. The W is officially my favorite hotel chain ever. Every detail of the place is so well thought out, so perfectly manicured it's astonishing. The pool felt like bathwater, the djs were fantastic, and the drinks were unique and tasty. Bradley's sister, Sylvia had decided to splurge on two rooms for Lindsey and her guests + us, and we had full permission to charge our drinks to the rooms. Therefore, Emily and I tried everything on the signature drink menu that sounded at all appetizing throughout the course of the afternoon. It was funny hanging out with Lindsey's group - a bunch of East Cobb kids who have lived in their little bubble of spoiled Pope/Walton lifestyle without ever giving a second thought to what might live beyond that bubble. After I invented a story about a wild and rugged knife fight that I got into with Emily's brother (the reason I have a stab-like wound on my inner thigh) after which I strangled him to death behind the Clermont, the young man I was describing the details to revealed the nasty underside to the spoiled Marietta kid - "Say, is it just me or are there an awful lot of black people at this party?" Aw, Marietta kid, you seemed all right before then. A little dumb, sure, but all right. "Yeah, you're in Atlanta, buddy. Black folks have got 60% of the population here." He looked astonished. Bradley popped in at this point to tell him in no uncertain terms that the people we were sharing our pool space with undoubtedly made more money than any of us ever will. Poor kid. He had to find out all at once that not only are there still black people left in this world, some of them even have homes! It's a lot to swallow in less than five minutes, I guess.
The birthday guests held up the same basic attitudes throughout the party - reasonably cheerful, too loud, and ranging between mildly and extremely offensive. I suggested Two Urban Licks for dinner, and everyone was impressed with the selection. (Dinner went on the credit card Sylvia had sent along with Lindsey.) As dinner drew to its end, Sylvia tried to call Lindsey and she pitched a nice little fit about how controlling her mom is, always having to check in on her. Bradley took the responsibility of talking to this obviously oppressive woman (who at this point had spent upward of $2000 on the night we were enjoying) but made Lindsey promise to call her mom after dinner. I had the pleasure of overhearing that conversation, which was mostly an extension of the temper tantrum she had started at the dinner table. But damn, my steam pot was as good as I remembered, and by this point in the night Bradley, Emily, and I had formed a little triad of eye-rolling, astonished glances, facepalms, and stifled giggles at our fellow guests' behavior.
The rooms Sylvia booked (TWO rooms, couldn't fit all that ego in one) were astonishing, following the theme of the day. I've never flopped onto a more comfortable bed, even the bathroom had mood lighting controls, there was a martini bar next to the bed (excuse me, ONE of the two beds), and to top it all off, rather than a Gideon's Bible, they left us a kaleidoscope. When we first checked out the rooms, Lindsey handed us a key to one and we were under the impression that we were somehow to get away with the three of us getting this to ourselves for the night. We were, of course, mistaken, but it was nice to dream for a few minutes. By the time we got back from dinner and into the room, it was clear that we were NOT the only ones with a key to 1508, and the room had already been 'used'. To my disappointment, someone had already gone through the supplies at out little martini bar - not that it was even enough to feel sad about. Our good fortune was glaring at us all day. We spent the last hour of legal drinking in the hotel bar, where Emily and I tried the last two cocktails left on our list, and polished our drinking off with our favorite two of the day. From there, we went back to the beautiful pool and Emily and I tipsily swam in our fancy dresses.
The view from this pool begs description - swimming to the infinite wall of glass at one edge of the pool, we could see most of downtown to our left and in front of us and the tiny, busy interstate to our right. During the gray day, the city loomed, important as ever, stared us in the face, and relaxed and exhilarated us simultaneously. At night, when the sky had mostly cleared, the moon reflected off of the Westin directly in front of us and we felt almost like we were floating higher and higher away from the ground.
It was after night swimming that our evening got a little silly. Back in the room, where all of East Cobb followed us back, Bradley and Emily and I hopped onto one of the beds and put on some music (an iPod dock came with the room, of course) and changed the flat screen TV's channel to E, which was playing Bring it On. Everyone sort of milled in and out of the room, and once we were left alone, we decided room service was in order. We ate our way through two personal pizzas and a plate of chicken fingers before the shit hit the fan in the form of a skinny, perfectly tanned East Cobb reigning princess.
Lindsey came into the room to confront Bradley. "My friends say you're being rude to them," she complained. "I haven't taken any of their shit, I've dished it back, if that's what you mean." (This was true. The East Cobb boys were antagonizing, as is their nature, and Bradley, Emily, and I tried to playfully throw it back in their faces as much as we could). "Well, I need them to be able to sleep somewhere. And you're taking up a bed." "What do you want me to do?" "Ugh, Bradley, you make everything so difficult. Why do you have to make everything so difficult?" "Lindsey, if you want us to leave, just say so! My condo is five minutes away. But it would have been nice if you had said something earlier." "Bradley you're such an asshole! God!" "What do you want me to do? Just tell me, Lindsey, and I'll do it. I'm taking up one bed, three people, one bed. If your bratty friends need more room to spread out, we'll leave." "Bradley you're such an asshole!" "We're out of here, don't worry about it, you spoiled fucking brat!"
Eek. Meanwhile, Emily and I are hiding under the comforter to avoid having to take part in this unfortunate discussion. We popped out and threw on our shoes and took off. The thing is, Bradley organized this whole adventure of a day. He's the one who got Lindsey plus her friends onto 'the list' to hang out at that party, it was his idea to do everything we did that day. Now, I don't care that we ended up at the condo rather than in the hotel - I had a way more luxurious day than I deserved. But I really can't believe someone could be so spoiled and so bratty as to kick her uncle, who had planned her entire party, out of said party so her friends could (just a guess) orchestrate a gang bang in more comfortable quarters. I shouldn't have been surprised, seeing as she couldn't stop complaining about her mother, the sponsor, all evening, but such selfishness never fails to surprise me.
Anyway. I know I'm really indulging in this entry, but it's been a long time since I was able to sit and spout my thoughts onto a screen or a non-biased party at all.
The past couple of weeks have been so topsy-turvy, so bizarre and so different from what I'm used to. If I hadn't been the one to do it all to myself, I would accuse someone of having pulled the rug out from under me. I feel like I've been in freefall all this time, encountering positive and negative but not really having the authority to take care of any of it or even observe it for more than a few minutes at a time. Every day I have no idea where I'll end up or what I'll be doing by the end of the night. Who I'll meet for the first time or who I'll encounter for the 45th time. I've had very little time to myself, and I haven't been organizing what time I do have very responsibly. I've been 90% happy, overjoyed even, but that leftover ten is a combination of confused, a little sad, some doubtful, and a tiny dash of sheer terror.
I miss the friends I don't see by default and the ones that I've developed phone relationship with. I have almost no way of contacting certain people until I get my phone back. I even had a dream I found my phone last night and the disappointment upon waking was devastating. I know I'm being overdramatic about this, but I feel like I've lost an important tie to the world over these few days. On the flip side, there's something awfully freeing about the situation. Time to take care of business though, wake up from this weird fog I've been living in.
I'm going to end this entry now because I'm tired of typing, not because I've run out of stuff to say. I have so many events to relay, so many ideas and emotions I could spell out, things I'll want to remember when I inevitably come back to this entry in the future and marvel once again at how different yet similar my life is at that point. Obviously, some of the most important aspects of my life are missing from what I've written today but I just don't have it in me to get them out right now. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 30th, 2009|06:11 pm] |
Today has been a very dynamic day. This weekend was possibly the best of my life.
I don't have a car or a phone right now because I was having entirely too much fun at Corndogorama to keep track of such petty things. I do have a new plan, a much better outlook on life, and a pleasant feeling in my stomach.
When you write it out, it seems like I should be at least a little upset but I'm not:
Ryan and I broke up
I cut off my hair
I lost my car
I lost my phone
A lot of people are mad at me right now - way more than I'm used to
I have absolutely no idea how I'm going to pull off this weekend and all it's asking of me
I am awfully close to being fired from R Thomas
I have almost no money
I'm happier than I've ever been.
I walked around the city for two or three hours, trying to get home from the psychologist's office. I kept being faced with obstacles in the shape of bridges that I had to cross if I wanted to get where I was going. I have an intense fear of bridges, so I kept detouring (I know at least one person will relate to that). I ended up almost exactly where I started, only on the other side of the bridge. So I crawled through some bushes to get to the storage shed office, and waited for someone to show up. When someone did, I asked for a ride across the bridge. He didn't even question it, just took me and bitched about what an awful day he was having. It's not often that you meet a racist gay man, but today I did. I sat down at Caribou and asked to borrow a stranger's cel phone. Called Ryan and asked him to come pick me up. He did, and I explained what had happened and he called me crazy, which is fair.
But I'm happier than I've ever been. I think there's something in that. I'm really excited about living differently. I wrote a letter to my mom explaining all of this stuff and I have my fingers crossed that she reacts well to it. We'll see.
So I'm selling my car, getting a moped, selling most of my stuff, and moving soon.
I hope I still have friends when I come through this. |
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| (no subject) |
[Jun. 25th, 2009|01:20 pm] |
Well, my hair has been chopped and even though it wasn't the plan, I finally got to fulfill my long-time desire to dye my hair gray. Consistent with everything else I've been doing lately, the best reaction I got out of 'group A' was a wrinkled nose and a "That looks weird" and the best reaction I got out of 'group B' was a delighted bartender who bought me a maker's. Group A are my actual best friends who have been there for me for years on end, who I've spent really significant amounts of time with always. Group B is the people I see out at night, laugh with, and throw parties with. It's all very confusing.
It's show night! I'm terribly excited, I think this one has potential to be even more fun than last month's, yet probably a bit more laid-back.
Gonna run around most of the day and get stuff done for tonight.
Dear World,
I'm not dating Bradley. I understand the confusion and I understand how one could come to the conclusion, but it isn't true and I'd appreciate it if you'd stop treating me as if it were.
Love,
Betsy |
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